Oh love. Love, love, love. How i love love. As long as i can remember i would always dream that i was in love, but they were a little odd, in the sense that every single one of them consisted of the same two people; me, and him. Mr. Blurryblotchy Ican’tseeyour Face.
I waited, and waited. And then waited some more. Just waiting for him to pop up into my life. I stuck out abusive and unstable relationships in hopes that he was the one. Of course, if i hadn’t been so stubborn and used a little common sense i would’ve high-tailed it outta there in a heartbeat.
Love isn’t mean, nor is it manipulative or non-accepting. Love is kind, caring, respectful, curious, playful, fun, amazing, so full of awe, wonder, and beauty !
But still i went on with my life, impatient and frustrated each and every day, endlessly confused and just never feeling good enough. It tore me apart. Each day was a twenty-four hour anxiety attack for me. (There was a lot of other shit going on in my life too.)
I had become completely and utterly devoted, mind rippingly obsessed. I couldn’t sit through an entire day of school because i just wanted to find him. I knew he was out there somewhere.
All the while i kept telling myself as an attempt to convince myself, that i had already found him, dated him, and fucked it over. I tried to convince myself of this because i couldn’t let him go for so long and couldn’t think of any other explanation. It had to be love, right? Pffffft, FUCK NO. He’s played a key role in my life and we’re still friends, we even live together believe it or not, but what i felt for him was that evil little wannabe feeling; infatuation.
ANYWAYS, i now know why i could never let him go; he’s the one who introduced me to him.
Grade twelve rolls around and me and my boyfriend at the time break up, which sends me into this apathetic depressed ‘enough is enough’ anything-but-instant-break though. He was just so.. not me. My polar opposite. And although opposites may attract, they sure as hell will never last. He showed me what i didn’t want. And all the people i hung out with, they weren’t anything like me either. I had had enough.
My ex (the one who introduced me to him) and i started talking after he got the apartment with his friend. My friend and i went to meet up with them one day. They came down the hill, and there hewas. It was him.
After hanging at their place a few times i ended up just dropping school so i could go there everyday. Basically, i moved in. A couple of my friends did basically the same. In fact, one of my best friends ended up dating him.
I’d catch myself staring at him allllllll the time. Just thinking of how perfect, of how jaw-droppingly gorgeous he was. And his personality? Oh i could go on for days, but let’s just say he’s never once failed to take my breath away. I had all these feelings but i denied them to myself because he was with my friend and seemed happy and in love. What i felt for him wasn’t this overwhelming “OH MAH GAAWD I WANT TO BE WITH HIM” feeling. It was more than that. So much more. He intrigued me, sparked my every interest, and i just felt at home when i was around him. Shockingly enough, he even made me feel comfortable in my own skin.
My friend, his girlfriend ended up moving to another province and after a month they broke up (they only dated for like a week before she left). I cried my eyes out when i found out, i couldn’t bare the thought of his heart breaking.
Just shy of a week later he invited me to sleep in his bed (the four of us that lived at the apartment had moved into this big house with a bunch of sketchy kids). But not because he was trying anything, but because i slept on the couch every night and there was always this weird older guy walking around the house at night, and he’s just a really nice guy. I said no, but not long after, i went up to his room.
We stayed up all night watching random videos of things like Neocubes, and looking up thee most random shit, like exotic foods such as soup no. 5 and fried bees. I had honestly never felt happier.
So where did i find myself the next night? Back up in his room again, of course! After listening to music and talking for hours, he gave me that look. He kissed me, and ohhh boy did it ever set my world on fire!! I had never had such intense butterflies in my life! I melted right then and there in his arms, or at least it felt like it.
We made love, and the next morning was a dream come true, literally! I had one of those dreams i used to when i was little, but this time as i was looking up to his blurry face, i opened my eyes. And there he was, i was laying in the arms of him.
We spent the next few days together and he told me that he loved me, which is actually a pretty big deal. He had never said that to anyone before and was always scared of love. But of course, there i go, melting again. But of course, i told him that i loved him too (d’awhh, isn’t that cute ?).
But, of course after we were public is ex spazzed in the most immature way, but did we give two fucks? Damn right we didn’t! We just lived our lives, the way we wanted to.
We’ve had our ups and down and always worked through them. He’s helped me build my self-esteem and grow into myself like you would not believe, and i appreciate him so much for it. He’s exactly the person that i want to spend forever with, and i do mean forever. He is after all, the boy of my dreams.
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”
- Erica Jong
P.s, check out his band www.myspace.com/wearesonsofsirens ;)
